i-look-into-a-chaotic-mind

Catch up

Sun, 14 Mar 2010 16:52:27 +0100

So I know I haven't been blogging on here like normal, but I've been thinking about finding a new site to blog on.. Well lets play catch up.. My dreams seem to be haunting me.. I have the same dream everynight, but with different place settings.. They scare my so, that, I have to wake up, but also haunt me in my waking state, bcuz all I can do is think about it! I wish these dreams would just go away!! The other night I had a break from the normal dream, but it got replaced with another scary dream.. I don't know whats the matter with me.. Could it be from all the horror movies I watch? I don't think so bcuz I haven't watched any in a long time.. Enough about that.. I've been trying hard to change my life around, trying to have a better outlook.. So far, it's been hard bcuz u have to deal with other people who want to bring you down or shift your mood not for the better, but for the worst.. I'm not going to give up.. Today is a new day and I'm gonna try harder and get myself in a place where I'm happy not with just myself, but with my surroundings.. Someone told me that how you treat your home and personal belongings reflects on yourself and your outlook on life..Make sense?? It does to me, So on my day off I'm going to be cleaning up my room and house and getting everything in order so that I can also get my life together :) ..

On a lighter note, I've decided that I am going to go ahead with making my youtube makeup videos.. So that should be fun, I might post them on here or I may start a new blogspot tp post them on.. So look out for that..

TWell thats the 411 on me :) til next time, ciao bella

Realization

Fri, 15 Jan 2010 17:04:50 +0100

I have come to the realization that I'm not living in a dream.. That in fact my Grams has passed away.. What made it finally real and hit me was I seen her obituary online.. All I could do was cry.. Cry harder than before.. My Grams is gone.. My heart aches, my soul cry's.. All my life she has always been there, near or far, I knew she was there.. She help raise Me and Charla.. She was the only one who actually tried and pushed me to go back to school.. She helped me so much.. But most of all she loved me flaws and all.. I'm one of her "grands" nothing was more important to my Grams than her family..

I know that ill never be ok with the fact that she's gone and I prolly wont ever accept it, but I have to try

MY REALIZATION

Grams,

I know your in a better place with no more pain.. I know your looking out for all of us more than ever.. I want you to know that you had blessed my life so much by simply being you.. You showed me love and made me feel love.. People say a Grandmother is a Mom with a second chance.. I believe that, because the nurture, care and love you gave is that, that only a Mother could.. Ever since I was little I always heard people say "home is where your heart is." My home was always with you in Waianae.. Now that your no longer there physically I'm not sure if it's my home anymore.. I know what you would say right now if you were here "Michelle this is and will always be your home" . But home is where my heart is Grams, and that's with you! So until we meet again Grams, I love you more than any of my words can explain or discribe, and when I'm 'home' my heart will ache no more.. take care of Max for me :)

Love you always,
Michelle

Jan 7, 2010

Fri, 08 Jan 2010 03:58:25 +0100

Where were you at 2 o'clock in the morning on January 7th? I was sleeping only to be woken up by my Mom crying, I asked her what was going on, She told me that my Grams had past away..........................

HATE, ANGER, SADNESS, DEPRESSION, UNKNOWN, REGRET ..

These are all the emotions I was hit with at once.. And they're still lingering around.. Hate And Anger.. Hate death. Angry at God.. Sad that she isn't going to be at the place I call home.. Depressed at the fact that I didn't get to see her one last time.. Regret.............................................. I'm not going to her funeral .. My Mom told me I would regret it, but I can't.. Last funeral I went to was my Aunt Vernine's.. 1st and last.. I can't go back there and see her in a box.. I can't even imagine walking through the gate at her house.. My childhood home isn't a home anymore.. My Grams isn't there.. I wont see her sitting by the back door anymore.. I wont walk into the living room and see her watching Lifetime movies anymore.. I wont hear her voice anymore..

I hate this thing called death, I have never been able to understand why people who are so caring and loving have to die.. Why they get the illnesses .. Why can't these murderers or these child-molesters get it?

I understand my Grams lived a long and happy life, but I'm not ready to let her go!! I want to wake up from this dream.. She can't be gone, she's the one person beside Charla and my Mom who cared.. She's the reason My Mom is here, the reason me and my sister is here on earth.. Earth, Life, Reality all this isn't the same without her....

Me and my Grams always had a close relationship, a grandchild's relationship with there grandmother isn't something that can be broken.. My Grams has given me so much, and i just want to call and hear her say "I'm gonna come to Seattle to visit you guys" and me telling her its to cold....

I'm going to continue to be angry at God until I find the answers I need.. Maybe one day I'll find them.. Maybe I wont.. Until that day, My relationship with him..... done!

Facing Reality ..

Tue, 10 Nov 2009 17:04:50 +0100

Yesterday was a odd day.. I was in the car with my Mom and we were talking and she asked me why I've been so spaced out lately.. I told her that I've just been thinking about a lot of things.. She asked what I was thinking about and I told her that every time she talks to my Dad I hear him tell her that he brought this and that and blah blah.. For some unknown reason it bothered me.. I just don't understand things.. I don't understand why now, now that me and Charla are all grown up he can afford to buy all these things, when not one day in my life has he supported his Wife and Children.. Now when asked before by a acquaintance if I forgave my Father for breaking up my Family.. On the surface I have, but by the breakdown I had yesterday, I'm not sure..

I've been thinking about my Childhood a lot lately (maybe because my bday is coming up) and on Sunday I watched the Kardashian Wedding special on E! and I just got to thinking' who's gonna walk me down the aisle and give me away if and when I get married? I have No one to give me away.. No male figure worthy enough to do it..

Don't get me wrong people I'm not in anyway saying that my Dad was a bad Dad or anything, What he lacked in some area's he made up with some pretty good Memories for me, Watching WWF (WWE) , wrestling, Helping him fix something, teaching me how to fix things, late night stakes cooked in the microwave(lol) all great memories for me, but like I told my Mom, I seen how Charla would look at him when we were younger and I know how I looked at him and me personally if I were a Mother and my child looked at me with so much love and admiration I could never leave them, I could never be the root of there pain! Not even for one day!!

I told my Mom that If I called my Dad right now and asked him what my favorite color is, he wouldn't be able to tell u, or if u asked him if I went to prom or anything that a parent is suppose to know, he wouldn't know!! My Mom had said something to try to comfort me I guess, she said "well I didn't have my Dad growing up either so he wouldn't be able to time line my life" the difference with that is, she never knew her Dad, she knew of him, but she never knew him so, she didn't have the chance to miss him or wonder why he isn't coming to take us back home with him!!

Bottom line I have more issues than issues and I'm normally very good at hiding them, but Yesterday I just couldn't and I had a breakdown.. Cried in front of my Mom (which I don't like to cry in front of anyone) and felt so alone.. But today is a new day and I just have to realize that, even though he wasn't the best Dad in the world, he did the best that he could at that moment in time.. And I just have to accept that and move on!!

Well I just needed to vent about my "breakdown" yesterday..

xoxo

Just catching up

Mon, 02 Nov 2009 02:16:50 +0100

Hey folks.. Well I haven't updated my blog in a while.. So I figured I should do that :) .. Well Charla's birthday was good, she loved the gifts I brought her..It was very carefully thought out and planned.. Along with the card and steps in the card.. The one thing that was a no-go was the socks.. They were weird socks I found and they were reallllllllllly soft, but the inside was like falling apart, but my mom said it was from the way it was made.. Whatever.. I gave her the framed picture of us when she was 4 and I was 1, she was holding my hand in my grandparents house in Hayward.. in the card I wrote "you held my from back then til now, I couldn't have asked for a better guide through this thing called life" I got her the socks, a dvd of her favorite movie when we were kids (The little mermaid) a cute key chain and last but not least a little gem rock that said "Strength" .. :) all together she loved them all..

Well Halloween was crappy!! For some reason it just doesn't feel like it was pose to be Halloween yet.. So my favorite day of the year was all kinds of BLAH!! But I do have my Birthday coming up in 27 days YAY.. My theme is going to be Margarita night.. Me and Charla are going to be mixing up margs all night and watching scary movies..Oh and she gave me all my bday gifts already, lol I love it.. Ill give u 1 guess on what i got?! Lots and Lots of MAKEUP!!

10.27.1980

Sun, 11 Oct 2009 23:23:51 +0100

Charla's birthday is coming up in 2 weeks.. I've been beating myself up on what to get her.. every year I try to get her expensive things, My sister has expensive taste, lol. But this year instead of going for what would look good, I'm going to go with something from the heart.. I'm so excited about this gift.. I think it will be the best Birthday gift I have ever got her.. I just hope she loves it :) ..

When I was a little girl
I thought about you and what we was going to do
Forever playing our little games
Or growing up to be the same
Same as you I wanted to be
You’re the best sister I hope you can see
My love for you will always be
Being here for you like you are to me
Because God knew I needed a sister like you
With you I can make it through all life’s trials

So I wanted and needed this time to let you know
If my life on earth is done
No matter what the toll
No matter what time or day I am here for you
I truly do love you

When I was a little girl
I thought about you and what we was going to do
Now were grown and I still can’t imagine me without you
God knew

It's almost that time..

Fri, 11 Sep 2009 15:16:17 +0100

Hey guys.. So it's almost time for my favorite time of the year.. HALLOWEEN!! I'm not sure on what I'm gonna be.. But Im thinking either a ventriloquist dummy or something dead.. I wait all year for this holiday.. I love everything scary if u don't know that by now.;. Charla loves it too.. I think shes going to be a dead witch or something.. Whatever we do were going to have so much fun doing it.. Last year our pumpkins were so cool... Charla made them all glittery .. Well I can;t wait!!!

What's ur guys favorite time of the year?

A tabu sub?

Mon, 07 Sep 2009 10:02:12 +0100

So I know people try not to talk about Religion because it's like a touchy subject, But I just want to know you folks view on it.. Me personally I'm a little conflicted.. So I say I believe in god, not religion.. Some of you may see that as wrong or whatever.. But that's how I feel.. I didn't grow up in a "religious" house hold.. The only thing my parents did religiously was argue.. But my Mom always did read her Bible, but she never thought me about what she was reading.. My Mother is a Catholic.. I always knew about Heaven and Hell, God and the devil.. But I never truly learn about "religion" or the Bible until I was 14 and lived with my Aunt Lorna.. But I can't say I learned about it by choice.. I think that's why now I'm..... put off? i know it's probably the wrong word, but oh well.. What I mean when I say that is, going to church and everything of that nature was push upon me.. I HAD to go to church and all that.. So I can't say I did it whole heartedly .. I was a teenager trying to figure out my place in the world, hell my place in my life.. But I must say I did learn somethings..

My Mom and I had a convo a few weeks back.. She asked me why I don't go to church anymore and if I could go with her if she goes.. (sigh) I let my Mom in on my little secret.. I didn't want to tell her because I didn't want her to look at me like I was crazy or something.. I informed her that, I can't go to church and have questions and second guess things in the back of my head.. There is more to the story then that, but it's to much to type..

Whats the right religion? How am I suppose to know that God or Jesus wrote the Bible?

Questions I can't seemed to get answered.. Now if your reading this and you know or have advise for me on this issue please leave a comment..

f**k you signed sincerely

Mon, 07 Sep 2009 09:09:51 +0100

So it's been a while since my last blog update.. Sooo.. Let's play catch up..

So my Mom has been in Hawaii for about a week now.. I can't wait for her to come back.. Even tho this break apart is good.. Cuz well, I love my Mom to death, but sometimes she can get on my last nerve and vise versa.. I have mixed feelings about my Mom coming back.. My Grams health isn't doing good right now and I know my Mom wants to be there, but she can't.. She has a job and a life here she needs to get back too.. I know my Mom wants to move back to Hawaii to be with my Grams, but that isn't possible.. My Mom has health problems of her own and she needs medical.. My Mom has a lot of heart problems and takes strong meds for it everyday.. I don't want to sound selfish, but I won't let my Mom move back to Hawaii without a good job that has medical.. It's just not happening.. I have a feeling the day she is due to return home shes gonna push it back a few days.. Just a feeling I have..

So I've been on HMR (diet) for the past 2 weeks. It's been going good.. Only problem is I miss my dairy products.. I still can have cheese, so that's good.. Bcuz if I couldn't this would workout, lol.. Since I decided to do HMR I told myself I need to be in a new mind state to do it.. I've been zoning out a lot.. If I feel the need to drink soda (my weakness) I make me a smoothie w diet orange soda.. I've been getting through this mentally.. Mind over matter right? The 1 thing that's bothering me is, I CAN'T HAVE MY MEXICAN FOOD!! But!!! I found a way around that.. I can make me a "Mexican salad" with tons of veggies, salsa and sour cream.. YUMM!!

Lately I haven't been talking to my friends.. I find them a bothersome right now.. I know that's not right.. But I'm focused on me right now.. close friends Ill always respond to txt or calls.. But lately that's been slipping too.. I can't even stand to talk to my co-workers (some) it's kinda got to the point where I have a "f**k it & f**k u" attitude.. I don't know.. I think that's it's bcuz I got so much going on in my head and in life that, yes a good reality escape would be good.. But they always have drama.. It's like whats the point??

I can go on and on in this blog.. But I'm going to end it now.. So we caught up, lol.. I think I'm going to get back into writing songs.. Hmmm .. maybe..

Passing time..

Mon, 17 Aug 2009 01:00:22 +0100

As time passes by I find myself un-pleased with my career and life.. I took a step back and I looked at all my life and I decided that I really have to apply myself to get done what I need to get done.. No more "pussy footing around" I guess you can say.. I need to get a different and better job.. I need to go back to school.. I don't need to be certified to be a MUA.. It's looks better and I'll learn a lot more.. But I just want to go to college and just learn more really.. I know there's a lot of cool knowledge out there .. I don't want to be asking Charla about everything or be feeling inferior to other ppl when it comes to things I don't really know.. So that's what I'm going to do.. wish me luck!!