Yesterday was a odd day.. I was in the car with my Mom and we were talking and she asked me why I've been so spaced out lately.. I told her that I've just been thinking about a lot of things.. She asked what I was thinking about and I told her that every time she talks to my Dad I hear him tell her that he brought this and that and blah blah.. For some unknown reason it bothered me.. I just don't understand things.. I don't understand why now, now that me and Charla are all grown up he can afford to buy all these things, when not one day in my life has he supported his Wife and Children.. Now when asked before by a acquaintance if I forgave my Father for breaking up my Family.. On the surface I have, but by the breakdown I had yesterday, I'm not sure..

I've been thinking about my Childhood a lot lately (maybe because my bday is coming up) and on Sunday I watched the Kardashian Wedding special on E! and I just got to thinking' who's gonna walk me down the aisle and give me away if and when I get married? I have No one to give me away.. No male figure worthy enough to do it..

Don't get me wrong people I'm not in anyway saying that my Dad was a bad Dad or anything, What he lacked in  some area's he made up with some pretty good Memories for me, Watching WWF (WWE) , wrestling, Helping him fix something, teaching me how to fix things, late night stakes cooked in the microwave(lol) all great memories for me, but like I told my Mom, I seen how Charla would look at him when we were younger and I know how I looked at him and me personally if I were a Mother and my child looked at me with so much love and admiration I could never leave them, I could never be the root of there pain! Not even for one day!!

I told my Mom that If I called my Dad right now and asked him what my favorite color is, he wouldn't be able to tell u, or if u asked him if I went to prom or anything that a parent is suppose to know, he wouldn't know!! My Mom had said something to try to comfort me I guess, she said "well I didn't have my Dad growing up either so he wouldn't be able to time line my life" the difference with that is, she never knew her Dad, she knew of him, but she never knew him so, she didn't have the chance to miss him or wonder why he isn't coming to take us back home with him!!

Bottom line I have more issues than issues and I'm normally very good at hiding them, but Yesterday I just couldn't and I had a breakdown.. Cried in front of my Mom (which I don't like to cry in front of anyone) and felt so alone.. But today is a new day and I just have to realize that, even though he wasn't the best Dad in the world, he did the best that he could at that moment in time.. And I just have to accept that and move on!!

Well I just needed to vent about my "breakdown" yesterday..

xoxo